Some inner contractions just take time to reveal and to heal. With the inquiries I know this means welcoming sensations, images and thoughts without judgment or any need for resistance, even though this too can be held with care.  This spiraling release is happening for me, a layer at a time, and it has been quite a ride thus far.  
     Many, many years ago I went to see a photographer at Carnegie Hall to take what are called head shots for my portfolio at the time. He came highly recommended and the price was right. I arrived at the scheduled time and at some point, during our initial conversation as he was showing me the photos of famous actors and musicians that he had taken, he gave me a glass of ginger ale.  It was not a closed can, and frankly, I thought nothing of it. Shortly after drinking however, I began to feel fuzzy; different. In the end, I lost about seven hours that day, the contents of which seemed frozen and untouchable in the furthest tundra of my unconscious body and mind.
     Over the years I tried many modalities to help my body unwind the little I consciously knew of what happened. Nothing worked and nearly 40 years later, things have finally begun to unpack and clear. I want to share a few things that led up to this unwinding. First, that I had been practicing inquiring and looking almost every day for about four months. And that I had attended a five-day meditation retreat during that time in which I experienced an expansion of pure consciousness, an awakening experience that seemed to make every cell in my body sing with acknowledgement. In addition, the day after the retreat I was in my car listening to NPR when an interview came on with a woman who wrote a show about her experience with a date rape drug that HBO picked up.  I believe all these events were in perfect timing for what came next: As I was listening my body began to shake, my abs became hard as rock, my hands were clutching the wheel for a sense of stability. I had to pull over and surrender to the movement that the intelligence in my body knew to do. 
     Thankfully, I resourced all the skills I had learned – releasing narratives and expanding Awareness throughout my inner and outer body with gentle care. This shaking pattern repeated over the course of several days and was the focus exploration in my practice inquiries.  After my body had apparently completed its shaking off of fear and shame, I reached another layer that I sense is quite important in all trauma work. And this is the direct encounter with the experience of horror. What I knew until that moment was to hold the feeling of horror at bay, to be horrified at it, put it outside of my mental experience and react to it. Deny it, be angry at it or anyone who acted horribly. I could see the projection quite clearly:  It was easy to be horrified at others so that I did not have to feel the horror within me.
    Big breath.  Here we go.  This is the ‘what’s next.’ In yet another inquiry, I discovered that pure, open consciousness can hold the depths of terror and horror without falling apart.  I discovered a unity between perpetrator and perpetrated, for in the moment of that act, he entered me not just physically, but energetically. I felt my horror and his. His shame was my shame and yet, finally, as the horror became infused with consciousness, I could honestly feel compassion for this man. The ‘what’ next is not the speaking of what happened, for surely that I have done, but encountering the felt sense of horror that has no solution. Pure horror infused with consciousness is yet another experience no longer denied by layers and layers of defense, rejection, projection, hidden agendas, cultural resentment and the like.
  I wrote the photographer a letter as there were things that I did want to say, not to my therapist, mentor, husband or practice partners, but to him. We are, as they say in quantum physics, observer participants, and this was also my way of participating.  I never heard back from him, and did not expect to, but I can now hold the predator and the prey, the victim and the abuser, the horror and the grace of healing in me and in us.

     When I was about seven years old, I quite vividly remember the first time that I heard a voice in my head using the word “I.” In that moment I was filled with confusion and a sense of horror. I felt as if somehow the I that I knew myself to be had been taken hostage by this assumed other I!  I ran into the house to tell my Mom that there was someone in my head claiming to be me! Well, the disbelief did not last long and quite unconsciously there was a surrender and an allegiance with this voice. It was only a few years after this experience that I realized that this thinking I could only see things in black and white, right and wrong, this and that, to make sense. This way of thinking felt so sharp and absolute in its beliefs and perceptions that it physically hurt, and it most certainly effected my relationship with self and others.  Fast forward a couple of decades and there was an even different realization that finally made more sense and afforded a deeper relaxation and ease in the world views of my mind. And, and or both and thinking, the radical inclusivity of both sides of the coin. But the gift of this revelation went beyond just the holding of opposites. It was the third possibility that it provided – a proverbial gray area wherein lay more possibilities than either of its original dualistic points of view.
     It is indeed this third possibility that is so amazing and in Yoga there are the three Gunas that give shape to this idea. It is used to describe everything from the nature of digestion to yoga poses: Rajas is fiery, energetic as well as anxious, restless, angry, stressed and even chaotic. Tamas is dull, dark inactive or heavy, while Sattva is balanced, harmonious and of natural intelligence.  In teaching asana, or yoga poses, we use gravity to create a tamasic effect, a grounding downward toward the Earth. This, in turn, births an upward movement called yielding or anti-gravity – rajas. The balance of these two creates expanded, multi-dimensional space in the body which allows for sattivic qualities such as flow, breath, stability and ease.
     When tracking or looking in the Kiloby Inquiries a similar experience occurs in the bodymind that undeniably effects the connection with and of Awareness and space. In the human psychology there are natural opposites to perceptions inherited through intergenerational attitudes, ritual, responses, and trauma.  For example, the natural opposite to despair is hope, yet the quality of import is need. When holding guilt and one of its opposites, accusation we discover our natural innocence and when inquiring into boredom or a state of being checked out and its counterpart addiction, passion rises naturally. When looking at the quality of loneliness and its opposite, intimacy it is connection that bubbles up.  So, connection has no opposite as it is the natural quality that gets bound up and frozen in time when the tendrils of loneliness first takes our breath away. 
     So far, as a Consciousness Counselor and new practitioner of the Kiloby Inquiries I see this happening both in my own looking and with those that I practice as well:  That natural presence is infused with the fragrance of qualities that too are natural to the human experience when unaffected by constriction. If we look at and feel the effects of betrayal and loyalty both, a natural sense of trust emerges.  It is not a trust born of proof or conditions, but a felt sense of trust that permeates life itself; a knowing that permeates the experience of Being. So, this sharing is not only one of gratitude for our work, but also of awe and wonder at the possibilities of those marvelous qualities that awaken from beneath the surface mind and knots of history we are all so keen to release.

 
Reclamation
 
Torn once from Source, from womb and then innocence
Fragmented from natural states of grace
Blinded by what is directly seen and felt
Enamored with only that which we can see and taste
 
Moment by moment, eluding the infinite present
The big seeker is born looking forward and out
The divine seeking the divine through a ‘you’ and a ‘me’
Amnesia fills our collective mind with doubt
 
The unborn sound of the universe resonates in your cells
If you are quiet, still, silent and sincere
You can hear a vibration of vibrancy, elevated and clear
The cells themselves a creation of the ecstatic Illuminator
 
Now viewing all life, ALL LIFE, as a matrix of it self
Life in action as the divine informing freely
It is not out there, never has nor could be
But, in field and form as the most primary frequency
 
The primary frequency is not one that I choose
It is that which I AM, that is awakened to now
Upon realization there is nothing, nothing, and nothing to fear
Everything as a lingering memory can be lifted with a vow
 
To rearticulate the body and free the mind
To feel and to sense, to surrender as the word
Claim and Know the Divine that you are
In the upper room, fly free with a heart deeply stirred
 
It is not just to the earth and the sky that we bow
Not just to the god out there, somewhere
But to humbly sense that the infinite One is here
Claiming all of existence into its care

 Be Still
We are becoming ever more interconnected even as we physically isolate, reaching across the globe to counsel with one another! Via the web so many beautifully providing and participating as peace and stability, online, visually live, amidst what we are witnessing as unthinkable uncertainty. The connection between each heart an energetic web of intense care, whether we know each other or not, see each other or not, or agree with each other or not. And above and beyond that is the background of connection and the expansion of Awareness creating bigger patterns through which groups contribute as a higher aspect of Self.

This is an intense period of refinement in the consciousness that you each abide in. Consciousness does not exist in your body, your body exists within your vast Awareness. The changes being experienced are not just the logistics of child care and shopping, although that is true on one basic level. We are upleveling and expanding while the physical dimension reassembles to reflection this collective agreement. We did not agree to a pandemic, but consciousness expanding has agreed that we cannot continue as we have. Simply not. Please consider that there is a mass agreement here that confirms a shift so radical that we all need a moment, if you will, a time out to reconsider our perspective, if you haven’t already. The effect will cost lives and this feels like such an immense tragedy and loss whether we are the one who needs help, or the one providing it.  If this global pause is to mean something other than rearranging schedules and meals, let it be for one thing only.

The full acknowledgement of the fundamental, pervasive presence of the divine in all and as all. We are that. The denial of such is also the tragedy. Joseph Campbell named it years ago as the denial of the kinds of ritual and ceremony that acknowledge presence, peace and unity among all. Not just your tribe, your family, your community – there is no such thing any more. We are one community now reaching each other, touching each other’s lives not just for support through this global time out, but also to allow what needs to happen, happen.

As it has always been: as within, so without, as above, so below. The interconnectedness of what you are and the world at large informs science, the new mysticism, religion and you. We ask you to make a choice to surrender your divisive, individualistic claims and see each other, feel each other, and acknowledge each other as you have always wanted. As the natural interconnected glue of unity that is felt when attuning to God and Nature reveals that we are that.

You are a multidimensional intelligence, you are the physical universe and the physical universe is you. You are the ocean and the wave, the cloud and the sky, the movie screen and the movie, and the canvas and the art, continually expanding and evolving. We are recognizing the ocean, sky, screen and canvas as integral to expansion through the refinement of stillness and space. Be still and know. BE still and know. Be STILL and know. Be still and KNOW.

 Within the realm of uncertainty lies always a bit of certainty, and within the realm of certainty, always a bit of uncertainty. The upper realms of universal orchestration are exuberant with the possibilities for change and reconsideration. When we exist looking at our lives in only one way, we eliminate a 99 percent possibility for something else to exist and flourish. Surrender to the synchronicities that abound in this time – I know you see this everywhere as whole systems, charged with trauma and fear, fall apart. And watch as others naturally emerge through creativity and intuition and love. Could this be simply an exciting time as we hold our whole creation from the purview of the upper room? Could we trust the natural intelligence of the universe as we do our bodies to heal? Could we lay down our weapons of vigilance and rest as comrades?

If you but close your eyes and listen you can hear the whisper of angel wings big as the sky wrapping around your soul. Each word they utter would be of reassurance and the deep wisdom of knowing that things must fall apart as they are. But not you; you do not fall apart, you actually come together anew.

Lift the world up to your newness as you put aside distractions and feel your opportunities. These are not the opportunities of big business and ego, but the invitation to experience yourself as precious. Life. Is. Precious. You are life, you do not have a life. When this knowing is deeply touched then simply being is a grand affair. It is nothing to escape, but to finally relax in to with full surrender and reverence. May this bring you to the uplifting of that which you have tried desperately to control so that you may rest as peace amid this timely unfolding.

 Bow as the One
As the deep, inner work of unwinding the often inherited and cultural contractions of fear and shame release, there emerges a valuable realization. Release and realize: Negativity cannot be cut out like a cancer or ignored as nonexistent. If we pretend that shame is not present, or we make it about another, then just that, and those we deem shameful, must too be negligently discarded.

As so many deeply know, when shame in all its shades has been touched, it can only be included from and lifted to the view of love, humility and tenderness. Indeed, as the all-inclusive radiance of the highest Self, shame is seen as innocently generated from God knows where or when or by whom. Naming, blaming and shaming no longer matter and no longer work for they are the strategies of children.

Cutting out the negative to side with the positive only increases polarity within the human and global systems and that is the crux of the issue here: Us and them, you and me, all contribute to this deathly polarizing of human consciousness. This upper view is not one of contempt, smug and superior, it is necessary for our salvation. The evolution out of the matrix of fear is a death to the survival orientation of the ego to reclamation of and as divine presence. It is no longer a strategic, spiritual bypassing luxury to curb your mouth, grab your crystals and shoo the negative away. Every single time someone or something is In fear, this is only, and always, a call to love. Lift them up! See them anew! Deeply listen, from your own source of being, what is being asked for and regenerate your sense of Self as bigger than anything you have ever imagined in the meantime. If that happens, you will stop seeing with your two eyes and start perceiving with the one.

Out of darkness emerges light; the light of your presence, the light of your being. Not because you don’t include the less light, but because you see even that as the LIGHT; divine presence lifting the whole creation to its rightful place without cringing in fear or disgust. Omit no one and nothing. If you must, and with every chance you have - cease, choose, align and remember – we are all of the same divine substance. Stop, choose, align and surrender – all of manifestation exists as a unique expression deserving of your new eyes. Bow to the light within all – or do not bow at all.

 In the divine stillness of Being rises that familiar longing for life to live
Firmly held in crystals of amnesia, forming an opaque sheen of fear
Who shall I speak to, this life queries while enfolded in the One,
for everyone knows, everyone feels, everyone remembers
making life suddenly and incredibly clear.
A message on a piece of paper, dating a time and cause instead of:
A last thought, a last touch, a last feeling and inspiration
Before slipping through the doors of death and into the arms of Love
All no longer matters save for the infinite ripples in tow
For there Is a soaring tranquility that promises possibilities of which
Seldom few know, or feels, nor remembers here below.
And those who do walk with no footprints
Talk with no appearance to claim your idolatry or care
For they walk as angels might walk
Shimmering between veils of light and air.
We are angels, we are, in bodies that crave paradise
Fear is that call to cling to what is already ours
What we are, who we are and how we serve in our own way
Here and beyond, eternal and blessed, as, as, as, LIFE.

 Diving into the stuff we call shit… that stuff that immediately propels the mind to grab a belief and make a practice out of goodness, mercy, righteousness, healing and purity.
Diving in reveals that I am entwined with every single moment of apparent impurity, inseparable in the duality of life. The resonance of each moment living in the cells, informing, reforming, and revealing you in me. So now I can no longer say that I made it out, I conquered, I saved or even eloquently sang, smiled or danced my way out of this shit. Aversion aside, stepping into the individual and collective cesspool of unclaimed memories, may they rise as a miraculous source of vitality:

Energetic awakening in the cold of an empty church; dragging you out of an opium den; sleeping on couches with nowhere to go; shuddering beneath the frequency and volume of your voice; shrinking under your neglect; practicing to feel good; making you feel good.. all contrived opportunities to avoid that which we push away, rerouting into a quest for some sort of dreamed up, ridiculous world of perfection.

Sinking now, I am forever entwined with you, that moment of betrayal, rape, neglect and shame. Diving into that which is forbidden and held deep within the body bubbles forth, unplugged and complete: scum, instead of waiting for you to rise to the surface, I bow to you so that I may capture the frozen essence of me, and you, and release my frigid separation as vitality; the ultimate forgiveness. Every moment an opportunity, that dream, and all those secretly revealing images in the day and in the night. See how I made you out to be the bad guy, and yet you live in me, a synthesis of a moment between us both, perpetrator and victim, victim and perpetrator, no longer hiding in the epigenetics of history.

No more an “I” that is wiser for it, made it out, survived, or gets it. ‘She’ has fallen apart at the seams and dissolved in the miracle of all that has been pushed away as unbearable. Even the collective shame of this and that is captured in an image begging for viewing that we, for forever and a day, have agreed not to see - come hell or high water. To fear, look up, rise above, be secretly better than through money or beauty or status - when what is called for is what was always needed. The healing is in hearing the muffled voice that screams: See me; feel me; do not resist me any longer for you are ready for it all, from the most tragic to the most blissful. There is no more shit, for even the deepest aversion is loved in the tender dimension of true freedom. Freedom is not getting away from it or you but including every locked-up morsel of energy within those forgotten moments.

Dropping out of the dream and into the embodiment of realization absolutely includes meeting that which has been neglected by way of constantly naming things as good or bad, terrible or perfect, this or that. And, and. There is no other way out for our complete and utter ingestion of an either/or default state that keeps re-fulfilling itself, moment by moment in strands of judgement, prejudice, distraction and dissociation. And there is a virus, and nature is recuperating. And we are physically separate, and we are more connected than ever. And, and. Always, and, and. All ways. This is not a concept, this is a way of Being that frees our pent-up, rigid naturalness. So many of us, unbeknownst to even our self, is just that, a rigid system trying to be natural with rigid ideas about food, and beliefs about how to move your body and everything else imaginable under the sun!
The answer, as always, is not out there. The answer emerges as a truth when we include the very thing we run from. Otherwise we sanctify that which must never be forgotten at the sacrifice of true health and evolution and it is passed on, yet again, for the next generation to solve.