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The two sat on the leather couch, shoulder to shoulder, elbow to elbow, hip to hip and holding hands. It was obvious that they were utterly enchanted with one another. From the outside they were beautiful to look at, he with big fluffy blond hair and she with perfectly straight and shiny brown hair with natural copper-colored highlights. They shared that they were considering moving in with one another. She would leave her city dwelling to live with him in his home in the country which he shared with two other housemates. It was a big decision for both. He has a nine-year-old child that visits every weekend, and she cherishes her huge circle of friends and community above all else.
With eyes flickering and a quiet intensity, he shared one more complexity: “She is monogamous, and I am attempting to move out of my chosen polyamorous lifestyle - for her.” He shared how he had discovered sexuality as the part of his life where he could explore intimacy. It was safer to be vulnerable with a sexual partner then with a life partner, so he wanted to have any opportunity to stay open and spontaneous to future sexual encounters for this is where he belonged. He knew this, that a singular relationship would keep him from experiencing the power of sexuality and attention, yet he had stayed true to her for now. With a tinge of bitterness, he pulled his hand away sharing that in his opinion she had ‘bent the rules’ by being overly physical with men while at weekend dance parties and summer festival events. “Where does she draw the line?” he complained. And just like that, a bit of space appeared between the two sides of their bodies, a sliver of separation as they pulled away in growing confrontation. He was not ashamed of the intrigue he felt, seduced by a hunger to be powerful and desired, something he had not experienced enough of. She liked sex well enough and found their encounters satisfying, but the hunger in him was searching for more, and this was confusing to her. He knew that she could not understand how joyous it felt to have the inner, empty void within filled with the power of sexual connection. She knew that he could not understand the joy she would love to feel in a secure, stable and monogamous relationship. She began to realize that his search for more would interrupt her own hunger to live a safe and ordinary life, something he abhorred. By now their bodies had separated completely so that they were able to turn toward one another. They quietly gazed upon each other while holding the paradox of their dilemma; they could not be together if each were true to their hunger. That was the best they had for the moment, so with a bit of healthy distance, and the truth spoken, they simultaneously reached for the others hand once again. She fought a feeling of guilt for wanting him to be different, healed, and he fought his huge, horrible fear of being ordinary and unwanted. They discovered that they could stay connected while holding their differences and this gave remembrance to a feeling of love. Visibly, they landed in their hearts. As each of their hungers subsided into the background of consciousness, they could see each other a bit more clearly. They reached for the other hand too, creating a firmer emotional connection with enough physical distance that they could be together, and unmerged. A silent wave of wisdom filled the room as their demands quieted. She could appreciate the part in him that longed for excitement for she was this too. And he could begin to feel an appreciation for her longing for security and love for he was this as well. They had an uncanny ability to be comfortable with uncertainty, eclipsing any need to guarantee an answer or an outcome. And so it was for now, a situationship that warranted more patience, something they seemingly had plenty of.
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He was a stunning bird, especially during mating season with black feathers on his whole body and white, white wings. His inner and outer migrations had taken him beyond the hurdle of victim consciousness into an empowered expression of being. It was obvious, as his demeanor was innocently proud and his eyes direct. However, he still experienced a pull of neediness when attracted to a potential flying partner and this would snap him right back to judging his weakness for relying on others for validation or approval.
He truly did not want to inconvenience any other bird, believing, in his weaker moments, that his mere presence was too much. Beak chattering with anxiousness in his belly, he would replay scenarios over and over wondering what he should or could have done differently. This immobilized his lovely wings rendering him incapable of finding a mate while his family group were depending on him for just this. They needed to bolster their numbers before winter. He had already meandered through the spiral work of inner healing and was now confronted with reconciling the deeper contractions he felt around attachment and love. These birds displayed human-like behaviors and just like humans at this level of awakening, this bird knew the answer was within. He was beyond giving himself validation and approval and was ready for an entirely new level of consciousness. He perched on a sturdy branch with head upturned toward the bright sun, eyes closed. He basked in the light coming in through his eyelids and feathered skin taking comfort in the warmth. The outer light saturated his inner body becoming inner light. He surrendered as the light penetrated and liberated even the densest parts of his core energy field. Light. Bright. Untethered. Everything took on a deeper meaning as he gleaned insight into the inner workings of his mind, thoughts, and life! He shook his body and wings as birds do when they are releasing energetic holding patterns at a deeper level. This instant maturing process evoked a natural calling for Love to further transcend the mind, opening him to the whole ocean of Higher consciousness. What an achievement, what a transformation as he became a carrier of Light and higher consciousness. From the depth of his being he felt calm and peaceful, with no evidence of lack to be found. He does not know how long he remained on that branch. A minute? An eternity? But, when his eyes opened, he saw with a new perspective. Several females lit upon the branch on either side of him taking refuge in his brightness. They all rested together as his inner light expanded into a field of light around his body, and theirs. And then, at a certain moment, all the females flew off save one, the perfect one. Life and love brought him the one he needed to fulfill his role in the flock. The two closed their eyes and leaned in, head to head, with unbiased satisfaction and gratitude. With a keen memory, the little mouse vividly recalled being in her mother’s womb feeling disconnected and ill at ease. The dreadful familiarity of the womb-like void made it easy for her to access whenever she felt threatened by her current and most meaningful relationships. It was also very challenging for her to feel the difference between the void as a place to check out from her feelings, lost in the absence of love, versus the void or womb as an atmosphere of letting go where it is safe to relax and renew.
Within the womb that she knew so well there quickly grew a wall she named ‘safety.’ The job of safety was to play the game of protection tricking her into a false sense of love. When safety executed her job in a practiced and expert way, the little mouse believed that love would flow under impossible circumstances with unavailable friends. This meant that she could habitually settle for emotional breadcrumbs, putting her faith in those who could not show up for her. This would give her a false sense of security that in turn created a flexibility in her that allowed the absence of love to feel normal. She reflected upon her relationships with humility, realizing the depth of her dilemma. She was at the origin of her attachments, willing to martyr her presence for a drop of apparent care. So, she felt into her place of refuge, experiencing it as both frightening and enticing. A mixture of a drug-like addiction to feeling aloof and superior to the pain of abandonment and an invitation to a larger version of the womb. The little mouse realized that she could enter the womb as the child of her mother, or she could enter and surrender in the great universal womb of creation. She shuddered at the difference between her two options, feeling powerless to the experience of being in the maternal womb, and powerful in her choice to allow the great and mighty cosmic womb to hold her with divine love. The sweet little mouse realized that both options were true, her mammalian experience and her divine heritage. The agony of her life origins haunted her yet surrendering to the unconditional care of her greater origin finally loomed larger than her little life. She was no longer afraid of the vast, empty void, entering as the radiant light of awareness, identified as nothing, and feeling connected to everything. She began to taste freedom and even bliss as she relaxed more deeply into the mystery of emptiness. As she was freefalling, her body/mind cleared the deepest of unconscious mental and physical patterns, beliefs, and assumptions. She could finally trust the journey. And in so doing she was led by the hands of pure grace into her higher nature, shifting into the upper room perspective and experiencing a divine love that she now knew could and would hold all flavors of misery. The womb of the divine radiated an undeniable and unconditional love that the little mouse received. It healed her hurt thereby relinquishing the role of ‘safety’ in exchange for presence and peace. She could now move through the world as a child of God first and the daughter of her mother second. Her primary nature permeated the shadows of her mammalian life experience and she too radiated with the vast light of love and innocence. She could envision her life and relationships differently now, knowing that love attracts love. “So be it,” she proclaimed, and the universe gladly responded. Titrate: Place your soft open attention around the periphery of sensations that you call ‘overwhelm.’ No need to dive into the epicenter at all. Keep your soft attention around those sensations until you need to shift and look out your window at that beautiful tree dripping with spring buds. Back and forth, as slowly as need be, to make friends with the sensations in your sensitive body.
With each pendulum movement from sensation to beauty her capacity to be with overwhelm changed. And the feeling of overwhelm changed too. She could now speak of two incidents, generally, no details needed, from childhood. She began at the outermost periphery: “Where were the parents? Why were we so unsupervised? I needed protection!” she exclaimed with an immense grief. She looked out the window and relaxed into the beauty, breathing through her mouth, taking all the time her body needed to re-set. She had never spoken these words, much less mentioned what happened. Mentioning what happened is not necessary anyway, I assured her. New periphery: Asking her to find one word to describe what happened she chose “inappropriate.” My parents had creepy friends with creepy kids she shared, explaining their track record of lawless acquaintances. At least the ones she knew of. She was very young when ‘things’ happened, and while she had tried to tell her parents, they kept inviting those same friends over for weekly visits. Still leaving her unsupervised with their children. Window. Looking out the window, she sighed, long and slow sighs, breathing slowly through her mouth, returning to calm. She took her time demonstrating excellent self-care. The periphery of pain was getting smaller now and the next layer revealed a buried rage. What would rage say? Rage, her protector, was very wise. Rage, now turned outrage, knew exactly what she needed, what was missing, what needed to happen, no, what should have happened. This time she felt relieved for it was the rage that she had been managing to bury. She suspected that the effort to manhandle rage turned into overeating and the habit of filling up shopping carts on her favorite clothing websites. Window. Window. Window. The periphery narrowed yet again, and she could see herself as a child feeling confused, lost, and very scared. She noticed that these feelings created the belief that she was shameful and broken too. She has young children now and could see her young version of herself as she would her own. Instead of ignoring the feelings of her young experience, she allowed them to be as if holding them for her: The shame, confusion, loneliness, and feelings of fear. No window needed, just a loving warmth emanating through her body allowing all these new sensations to rise and integrate. Her ‘radar detector’ for zeroing in on people who are untrustworthy and potentially misleading is well cured. She realized that instead of scanning for danger, she could notice all the other people. The ones she could not see before; those who are trustworthy and honest. Oh, this would make for such an easier life, for her and her children. This time she looked out the window with awe and wonder. Together we repeated: “All of life comes to me with joy, and ease, and glory!” five times. Who knows why five, but it was enough. Her body tingled, a growing excitement in her belly, and a smile on her lovely face. |
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