L – living in between two known ways of being
I – immediate anxiety
M- meeting old fears
B- becoming a new dragon
O- opportunity
 
  After 25 years of stasis, the warrior dragon found himself in limbo. He so disliked this horrendous, in-between state of unknowns and uncertainty. His greatest fear was not leaving the known but encountering himself in the middle terrain of dread.  He knew what this could mean; loneliness, regret, could haves and would haves, and worse, those really bad habits.
    
     It would be easier to run to the next secure state no matter how disruptive, but he promised himself to resist temptation and hold steady.  Staying steady while experiencing shame and self -medicating patterns was just impossible so he sought a different way to cope. And he clearly did not want to be told to breathe, pray, and meditate, as he taught other dragons how to do this and it simply was not working.
 
     He had already begun to sense that raw, niggly feeling of loneliness blended with a fear of being left behind. The little dragon had been a bastard child kept on the fringe of the family as a sad, bad, reminder of what was.  It felt like a nauseating black hole of an existence that made his need for security quite clear. He knew that leaving the known meant that the feeling of not being cherished, much less wanted, would return as a gripping despair, one that he felt in his mother’s womb.  “Oh, what to do,” he asked, wringing his front claws. 
 
     The dragon had shown up with a picture of himself as a hatchling, white and pure. I could smell the distinct scent of innocence just by looking at that picture, no matter the atmosphere of guilt that he was born from and in to. We admired this about his little self. Exempt from guilt and accusations he was innocent, even in his unwelcomed arrival, he was innocent. He had been indoctrinated into the realm of guilt and inconvenience and taken it in to be his truth. His head drooped and his voice became meek.
 
     Opportunity was the word that kept repeating in his head. He had interpreted this as a new way of being, a new life, and a new relationship, but he began to see that the opportunity was to integrate old, old feelings of being unwanted and disregarded.  True to his dragon nature, he beckoned courage, trust, and willingness as his allies and met the baby dragon within, the one he saw in that photo.   And he loved, loved, loved that baby, so much. This time his head bowed to the child within instead of drooped, and his voice quieted rather than being meek, and he spoke as a mighty father would, welcoming his child-self into his heart. He realized that he had rejected this part of himself just as his parents had.  Rather than waiting for his parents’ approval, he gave it to himself and the freeze of shame within began to melt.
 
    This was his new limbo state, a time of welcoming and softening. This time he wiped tears from his face very gently, sharing that he usually wipes his tears away with hate and haste. What a difference; a newfound gentleness that he had time to integrate too. No hurry. He felt ready to linger in limbo, as long as it took, without a need to escape grief or hide from his hatchling history anymore. He felt like a true dragon now, strong, secure, and mature!

     Many, many years ago there was a large group of people that survived sieges in an underground city called Ozkonak.  It exists in the volcanic granite mountains northeast of Avanos in the central region of Turkey.  There were tunnels, halls, stables, a winery, churches, chambers for sleeping, kitchens, and even ventilation in every room.  Ozkonak could accommodate 60,000 villagers at a time, many of whom were related and included their horses, dogs, and carts. They were close in blood and proximity sealed beneath their above ground city for up to three months a t a time. Out of necessity they shared this living space made up of ten underground floors. It was always exciting and frightening both, with sheer adrenaline forging their paths downward for sacred safety. But as time marched on, tempers began to fly.
     One of the village members was a teen named Emine. She had lived her entire life moving in and out of this underground structure, knowing the miles of deep-down territory by heart. She observed how her family handled stress while sharing close quarters during these attacks, taking it in as a personal code of resiliency. There were no external influences to suggest anything different from the conditioning she was so utterly immersed in. That was what being a family meant – to think, feel, and act the same.
 
     Now Emine was also sensitive, internalizing the unspoken words and unfelt stress and emotions of her family in the tight, small atmosphere of underground living. In response, there developed a phenomenon in her mind called the inner critic. The voice of the inner bully that exceeded normalcy attacking relentlessly with the goal of making herself better, right, and more acceptable.  Only the critic was never satisfied becoming so unbearably loud that young Emine began to present visible symptoms of her suffering.
 
   In response to this energetic perpetrating part Emine would drop easily into self-pity which in turn created a global weakness in her whole body. She victimized herself into smallness, often hiding while diminishing her brightness with excuses and apologies.  The tyrant and the victim parts of her own inner family were ruthless, and she was in desperate need of help. But there was no help to be found in the outside world of her family so to save herself, she developed a third supportive part, the savior.
 
    The savior sounded a lot like a cheer leader, prompting her out of her collapsed energy into a more lifted, buoyant energy by offering affirmations of greatness.  ‘You’ve got this,’ and ‘don’t give up,’ and ‘believe in yourself,’ and ‘keep going.’  These statements, while well intended, did not address the other two parts that were part of this triangle and so the cheerleader failed, returning time and time again as the bully was right behind the savior and the cycle would begin again repeating itself within minutes, days, and weeks.
 
      Sometimes Emine’s unconscious mind would project these three parts onto people and even animals around her. Emine criticized others with her strong judgments, commiserated with those who felt victimized, and shouted words of encouragement at her friends. These three interconnected parts created a cyclic body of pain inside and out and no one noticed because everyone was participating. This dynamic was part of everyone’s inner life as their inner world began to mirror the outer world of their underground life:   Attack, retreat, and save. Repeat.
 
      Now when the sieges were over, the villagers would gratefully return above ground to their respective homes. With relief they could step out of attack and defend mode, breathing more easily, even as they knew that another underground escape would be necessary sooner rather than later. The inner triangle, however, continued in the above ground living room of relationships creating problems during times of peace. This dynamic was dramatic, often dangerous, and manifested differently in those who were more feminine than masculine in essence.
 
     Like Emine, the more feminine in nature, no matter the gender, would attack inwardly. When the inner critic annihilated her sense of worth, the pain became too much. So, to take this pain away they would cut, become anorexic or bulimic, or scar. They would not dream of hurting another but would have no problem trying to control pain by hurting themselves.
   
    The more masculine in nature would attack outwardly. They could easily harm other people, or even animals, finding it easy and legitimate to project the inner bully with a wide range of expressions from a word of frustration to outright violence.
 
      Once this happened to Emine, she felt completely disconnected from her heart, drowning in the pain of her struggle.  Not even being above ground helped at this point. But she was sharp enough to at least notice the timing of this pattern and how she acted, spoke, behaved, and felt while in each of the three parts of this cycle.   She knew that she needed a way out, but truly knew not how as not one person around her seemed to have figured this out.
 
      One evening, feeling disillusioned, Emine walked about the sacred land of their home, gazing at the beautiful mountains and dusk sky. She felt welcomed and received in nature’s embrace sensing her pure power, beauty, and peace. This in turn awakened those very same qualities within her; an impersonal flow of powerful sensation and ‘knowing.’  She sat down to listen, feel, and closed her eyes realizing that the key was in her heart. Yes, she could step out of the pattern by tuning into the warmth of her heart and the qualities of pure power, beauty, and peace. The inner critic quickly offered whole sentences filled with doubt, but she shewed them off with a wave of her hand and relaxed more deeply.  And she shewed away the voice of the inner victim and even the savior, letting them float away and dissolve without an ounce of her attention.
 
    She relaxed into clear seeing, a gift of nature and the spirit that fills her land.  She saw that she lived in a land of fear where people commonly reacted with aggression. She recognized that her own family members reacted differently to fear; some with religion, some through addiction, and others with violence or creativity. She felt so grateful to have recovered her heart connection for it gave her a sense of hope. Nature was now her mirror. And so, she promised herself then and there that she would keep half her attention anchored in her heart while giving the other half of her attention to the world around her. She knew that this way she could perceive from the warmth of her heart rather than using her physical eyes to interpret the world with fear. Her longing was to stay connected with her presence so that it would be possible to stay real, conscious, and happy rather than reacting from stress.
 
     Emine was so wise for her age and over the years of above and below ground living her sage ways rippled through many generations of family members. She created a trailhead home to the heart eventually leading countless others who sought the same refuge.

     The kid was bullied so many times as a seventh grader and up, that he crouched, cowered, and shut down in defeat. His parents tried to save him by placing him in a 2-year program at a local school for the deaf. A pilot program for all kinds of ‘misfits’ as he called them. He eventually found it easier to be a misfit then to fit in at ‘regular’ school. When the two years came to pass, he dreaded his impending return to regular school, developing panic attacks and sleepless nights. The bullying picked right back up and he regressed to an all too familiar state of weakness and rejection.
      As a married man he often felt assaulted when his wife expressed her emotions in what he called’ a more dramatic way.’ He had a more subtle emotional experience that was quite different from hers. In fact, her behavior caused him to feel impatient along with an urgency to be right, while feeling unseen and disrespected. He could not simply witness his woman feeling and expressing, instead her behavior seemed to rob him of a sense of order while unleashing an ancient rage. All his spiritual training reminded him that this unruly rage was inappropriate, but his body begged to differ.
     This rage felt self-centered and arrogant, and so strong that he felt ready to fight. So, he plotted and planned, but never dared to take any action. He was trapped, feeling an empty void in his upper belly like a hidden sensitivity filled with the agony of being overlooked.  
     He questioned how to deal with this inner chaos and loss of freedom. His quest led him to Peru where he was fortuitously taken in by a Peruvian family.  They gave him a plot of land so he could grow food and participate in weekly ceremonies with their family’s lineage of making ayahuascua. For this young man seeking peace, these ceremonies paradoxically offered him opportunities to meet the destroyer energy within. This archetype embodies repressed rage about structures and experiences that no longer serve life. And he was forced to meet this inner structure of rage and hurt created by the ignorance of kindness around him.   
     The young man was led to offer space for this inner structure of sensitivity, tender and hollow. With no bypassing or hiding, this sensation had plenty to say. The strength of his quiet words was saturated with self-worthiness and the need for respect. This truth was intermingled with hurt and the full feeling of retribution, the longing for justice and the need to feel safe and treated fairly. And this allowed his whole inner structure to soften, the feeling of dominance dissipating in the energetic reality of wholeness. He could now imagine his wife expressing her own inner chaos without it triggering the inner energetic defense of his heart.  It took meeting and integrating this energy fully to reconfigure the inner networking. God knows he had tried to override this in so many ways, mostly positive, just incomplete.   
    In retrospect he remembered that his mother was a warrior, dominant, controlling, sensitive and reactive while his father was submissive, often retreating into his art. He could see that he was called to find a different way than his father had demonstrated by honoring both the helplessness and the power within.  And that this pattern fully played out for resolution in the consciousness of his evolving family lineage. He could see the bigger picture and how these bullies had helped him evolve out of retreating and into the authenticity of warriorship.
      He also understood that none of these stories were real for his true Self.  That the living energetic structure of his past made living this truth challenging. He was truly intent on healing since he was often highjacked by this perception of being attacked, even when it did not really exist.  In truth, he understood the value of ‘waking down,’ the awakened journey into the knots and lessons of life. He was not only awake, but a hero and a warrior in his individual story here on Earth.