the triangle

     Many, many years ago there was a large group of people that survived sieges in an underground city called Ozkonak.  It exists in the volcanic granite mountains northeast of Avanos in the central region of Turkey.  There were tunnels, halls, stables, a winery, churches, chambers for sleeping, kitchens, and even ventilation in every room.  Ozkonak could accommodate 60,000 villagers at a time, many of whom were related and included their horses, dogs, and carts. They were close in blood and proximity sealed beneath their above ground city for up to three months a t a time. Out of necessity they shared this living space made up of ten underground floors. It was always exciting and frightening both, with sheer adrenaline forging their paths downward for sacred safety. But as time marched on, tempers began to fly.
     One of the village members was a teen named Emine. She had lived her entire life moving in and out of this underground structure, knowing the miles of deep-down territory by heart. She observed how her family handled stress while sharing close quarters during these attacks, taking it in as a personal code of resiliency. There were no external influences to suggest anything different from the conditioning she was so utterly immersed in. That was what being a family meant – to think, feel, and act the same.
 
     Now Emine was also sensitive, internalizing the unspoken words and unfelt stress and emotions of her family in the tight, small atmosphere of underground living. In response, there developed a phenomenon in her mind called the inner critic. The voice of the inner bully that exceeded normalcy attacking relentlessly with the goal of making herself better, right, and more acceptable.  Only the critic was never satisfied becoming so unbearably loud that young Emine began to present visible symptoms of her suffering.
 
   In response to this energetic perpetrating part Emine would drop easily into self-pity which in turn created a global weakness in her whole body. She victimized herself into smallness, often hiding while diminishing her brightness with excuses and apologies.  The tyrant and the victim parts of her own inner family were ruthless, and she was in desperate need of help. But there was no help to be found in the outside world of her family so to save herself, she developed a third supportive part, the savior.
 
    The savior sounded a lot like a cheer leader, prompting her out of her collapsed energy into a more lifted, buoyant energy by offering affirmations of greatness.  ‘You’ve got this,’ and ‘don’t give up,’ and ‘believe in yourself,’ and ‘keep going.’  These statements, while well intended, did not address the other two parts that were part of this triangle and so the cheerleader failed, returning time and time again as the bully was right behind the savior and the cycle would begin again repeating itself within minutes, days, and weeks.
 
      Sometimes Emine’s unconscious mind would project these three parts onto people and even animals around her. Emine criticized others with her strong judgments, commiserated with those who felt victimized, and shouted words of encouragement at her friends. These three interconnected parts created a cyclic body of pain inside and out and no one noticed because everyone was participating. This dynamic was part of everyone’s inner life as their inner world began to mirror the outer world of their underground life:   Attack, retreat, and save. Repeat.
 
      Now when the sieges were over, the villagers would gratefully return above ground to their respective homes. With relief they could step out of attack and defend mode, breathing more easily, even as they knew that another underground escape would be necessary sooner rather than later. The inner triangle, however, continued in the above ground living room of relationships creating problems during times of peace. This dynamic was dramatic, often dangerous, and manifested differently in those who were more feminine than masculine in essence.
 
     Like Emine, the more feminine in nature, no matter the gender, would attack inwardly. When the inner critic annihilated her sense of worth, the pain became too much. So, to take this pain away they would cut, become anorexic or bulimic, or scar. They would not dream of hurting another but would have no problem trying to control pain by hurting themselves.
   
    The more masculine in nature would attack outwardly. They could easily harm other people, or even animals, finding it easy and legitimate to project the inner bully with a wide range of expressions from a word of frustration to outright violence.
 
      Once this happened to Emine, she felt completely disconnected from her heart, drowning in the pain of her struggle.  Not even being above ground helped at this point. But she was sharp enough to at least notice the timing of this pattern and how she acted, spoke, behaved, and felt while in each of the three parts of this cycle.   She knew that she needed a way out, but truly knew not how as not one person around her seemed to have figured this out.
 
      One evening, feeling disillusioned, Emine walked about the sacred land of their home, gazing at the beautiful mountains and dusk sky. She felt welcomed and received in nature’s embrace sensing her pure power, beauty, and peace. This in turn awakened those very same qualities within her; an impersonal flow of powerful sensation and ‘knowing.’  She sat down to listen, feel, and closed her eyes realizing that the key was in her heart. Yes, she could step out of the pattern by tuning into the warmth of her heart and the qualities of pure power, beauty, and peace. The inner critic quickly offered whole sentences filled with doubt, but she shewed them off with a wave of her hand and relaxed more deeply.  And she shewed away the voice of the inner victim and even the savior, letting them float away and dissolve without an ounce of her attention.
 
    She relaxed into clear seeing, a gift of nature and the spirit that fills her land.  She saw that she lived in a land of fear where people commonly reacted with aggression. She recognized that her own family members reacted differently to fear; some with religion, some through addiction, and others with violence or creativity. She felt so grateful to have recovered her heart connection for it gave her a sense of hope. Nature was now her mirror. And so, she promised herself then and there that she would keep half her attention anchored in her heart while giving the other half of her attention to the world around her. She knew that this way she could perceive from the warmth of her heart rather than using her physical eyes to interpret the world with fear. Her longing was to stay connected with her presence so that it would be possible to stay real, conscious, and happy rather than reacting from stress.
 
     Emine was so wise for her age and over the years of above and below ground living her sage ways rippled through many generations of family members. She created a trailhead home to the heart eventually leading countless others who sought the same refuge.