compensation

Deep in the woods there was born a fawn whose mother would leave her for as many as 12 hours, and sometimes longer. She did this to keep her little one safe by distracting potential predators and foraging for food. But the baby did not know this, often feeling insecure, neglected, and hungry.
In her fear, the baby sacrificed her connection with innate knowing and ran instead to find her mother. She discovered that if she called to her, tipped her head just so, and lifted a paw just a bit, her mother paid attention. Oh, now she had power to persuade her mother’s acknowledgement, and used her trick as often as she could. These two little movements became so automatic that she continued into later stages of life coyly commanding attention with all her significant others.
This sly little form of manipulation intended to secure the attention of another came with a high degree of sensitivity to what the other was feeling. A form of hyper vigilance was necessary to interfere with any unease so that she never felt the agony of separation. She called herself an empath, but everyone knew that her oversized empathy was unmanaged, and even embarrassing at times.
It was clear that the yearling deer was more in touch with others than herself and that surely made it hard to know her. In fact, she merged so cleanly with another that the boundaries between each were painfully blurred. And that was unfortunate, her boyfriend confessed, because she would take on my feelings or try to fix me in some way, applying those movements she does with her head and her paw. I no longer felt that I could be me or that I knew her, so I lost connection with both. He sensed an impending demise of their relationship.
From his perspective healing this’ bump’ in their friendship would be easy, if only she could see and understand. But while the female deer had extra empathy for others, she had very little for her own inner suffering. This made seeing and understanding very challenging for her as the need for attention felt quite justified.
The two deer meandered into an open field one day to take time to rest. The male took this opportunity to share how he could no longer be himself with her since she would take on his feelings. He explained that in turn he would feel guilty, responsible, and then distant. He also shared that he was happy to give her attention freely, because he wanted to, not because she coyly commanded his attention. This caused feelings of distance too and he knew that somewhere in his friend was a natural deer, ready to be seen without compensation.
His female friend listened, held her breath, stood up, laid down, stood up again and turned away, but she did not leave. This was just too much because if she stopped those behaviors, she knew that she would have to feel the unbearable loneliness and rejection she hid from as a young fawn. He told her that that would be okay, that he would stay with her as she did, but not to save her or fix her, just to genuinely support her with care.
His clarity was impeccable, and it stunned the female deer into paying attention. For the first time she really listened and considered what he knew to be true. That there was indeed a potential for natural ease in the give and take of attention, and that this would help them feel very happy to be with one another.