uncertain

The two sat on the leather couch, shoulder to shoulder, elbow to elbow, hip to hip and holding hands. It was obvious that they were utterly enchanted with one another. From the outside they were beautiful to look at, he with big fluffy blond hair and she with perfectly straight and shiny brown hair with natural copper-colored highlights. They shared that they were considering moving in with one another. She would leave her city dwelling to live with him in his home in the country which he shared with two other housemates. It was a big decision for both. He has a nine-year-old child that visits every weekend, and she cherishes her huge circle of friends and community above all else.

With eyes flickering and a quiet intensity, he shared one more complexity: “She is monogamous, and I am attempting to move out of my chosen polyamorous lifestyle - for her.” He shared how he had discovered sexuality as the part of his life where he could explore intimacy. It was safer to be vulnerable with a sexual partner then with a life partner, so he wanted to have any opportunity to stay open and spontaneous to future sexual encounters for this is where he belonged. He knew this, that a singular relationship would keep him from experiencing the power of sexuality and attention, yet he had stayed true to her for now.
With a tinge of bitterness, he pulled his hand away sharing that in his opinion she had ‘bent the rules’ by being overly physical with men while at weekend dance parties and summer festival events. “Where does she draw the line?” he complained. And just like that, a bit of space appeared between the two sides of their bodies, a sliver of separation as they pulled away in growing confrontation. He was not ashamed of the intrigue he felt, seduced by a hunger to be powerful and desired, something he had not experienced enough of. She liked sex well enough and found their encounters satisfying, but the hunger in him was searching for more, and this was confusing to her. He knew that she could not understand how joyous it felt to have the inner, empty void within filled with the power of sexual connection. She knew that he could not understand the joy she would love to feel in a secure, stable and monogamous relationship.

She began to realize that his search for more would interrupt her own hunger to live a safe and ordinary life, something he abhorred. By now their bodies had separated completely so that they were able to turn toward one another. They quietly gazed upon each other while holding the paradox of their dilemma; they could not be together if each were true to their hunger. That was the best they had for the moment, so with a bit of healthy distance, and the truth spoken, they simultaneously reached for the others hand once again. She fought a feeling of guilt for wanting him to be different, healed, and he fought his huge, horrible fear of being ordinary and unwanted.

They discovered that they could stay connected while holding their differences and this gave remembrance to a feeling of love. Visibly, they landed in their hearts. As each of their hungers subsided into the background of consciousness, they could see each other a bit more clearly. They reached for the other hand too, creating a firmer emotional connection with enough physical distance that they could be together, and unmerged. A silent wave of wisdom filled the room as their demands quieted. She could appreciate the part in him that longed for excitement for she was this too. And he could begin to feel an appreciation for her longing for security and love for he was this as well.

They had an uncanny ability to be comfortable with uncertainty, eclipsing any need to guarantee an answer or an outcome. And so it was for now, a situationship that warranted more patience, something they seemingly had plenty of.