unrestrained

The teeny tiny little monkey was a seasoned performer, recognized at an unusually young age for her delightful talents. She was accustomed to seeing her image in a mirror when she practiced relying on the feedback of her well-intended family, agents, and directors. When she was young, it was easy. She could easily access the inner dimensions of characters, sing, dance and express herself freely. But as she grew, she straddled a thin line between hiding her expressiveness due to critical pointers and the horrible feeling of being on display. It felt as if her whole life had backfired.
The monkey was indeed no longer free. And to make things just a bit more complicated, she desired to be wanted so much that the hypercritical inner head voice had a mission. That voice made her feel sterile, critical, and fearful in contrast to simultaneously endeavoring to express herself through her body and her music. She longed for ease, authority, and authenticity. That is how she wanted and needed the audience to perceive her! Performing felt more like sandpaper than the smoothness of clarified butter!
She has basked in the realm of the creative process for years accompanied by this double bind of caring. She cared how people saw her and never wanted to be misunderstood as that was the equivalent of rejection, as if they were only zooming in on her ‘flaws’ instead of getting the realness of her performance and message. She so wanted to be free to express her creativity and talents while simultaneously having some guarantee that her people would understand her, no matter what.
One evening, after a particularly restricted performance, she realized that her desire to feel free, authentic, connected, and unconcerned about what her followers’ thought was paramount. She could not fake this. It was either real or she continued with the façade as it was. So, in response, the aging little monkey developed a taste for Sake! Two small ‘ochokos’ that helped her to relax her expectations, but she knew well enough – that too felt fake.
Certain that her neural pathways were set, yet lamenting a new perspective, the little monkey finally felt big enough to openly, inwardly, inquire into her own self-perception. Her deepest longing was to be understood and her greatest fear was to be misunderstood. She could see that a feeling of urgency, shame, and apologizing were an effect of her dilemma. The little monkey imagined herself embodying this bind directly and knew that her whole persona developed to protect her from the angst of being misunderstood. This had pros and cons, yet the burdens were too great now, so she negotiated her confidence with the fearful part in charge, thanking it too for all the skills she had acquired.
She had a big, big performance coming up soon and she really wanted to feel open and free in her musical delivery. She focused gently on the parts that felt misunderstood, holding them with care and grace. All she needed to do was appreciate the feelings of confusion and hurt to melt the projected concerns onto her audience. She felt brave for that performance and picked out an extra special outfit. Her inner work did not necessitate a need for positive affirmations like “I am confident,” so she could relax instead knowing that the part that seeks validation would probably show up and that she would welcome that part with care giving it a place in her heart. As many times as it takes.
She would have preferred an on/off switch so that she would not have to deal with the rejection of being misunderstood, but alas, recognized it is more like a dimmer switch. Lessening with each performance, the fearful parts quieted, and she grew to be expressive and beautifully unrestrained on and off the stage!