intergenerational power

" I can remember admiring my grandma so much, most especially when I was 15 years old," he shared. "I could feel her justified position of dominance in the family, and I longed for that superior demeanor too. Angry and ornery, grandma would hold her head high letting us know that everyone else had it easier than she did. She did not want things to be as they were and I quietly observed her denying her immediate reality, inside and out with her ‘me against the world’ attitude."
" “I don’t want my life to be this way and I don’t want to be spending my time doing what I must” she would snarl. She tried very hard to secret away her rage, but her body would reveal these feelings in milli-moments that looked quasi demonic and equally as strong."
He shared that suppressing rage for her was like holding a beach ball underwater, all day and all night so it pinched, poked, and pulled within her body. His grandma grew to hate her tense body and all its tiring effort to obey her mind’s beliefs and control. She began to limp and walk with a cane.
"In truth, she would rather have a life of safety and freedom and especially, one in which she could really appreciate her body." Instead, she passed these positions of mental and physical posturing to her daughter and her children too.
"Now I, her proud grandson, was especially tuned in to the unacknowledged rage in the women of the house. It tasted of pain and revenge, and it felt vaguely reminiscent and familiar of a time that I know not of. I was happy to betray anger’s silence and express this hostility where it seemed safe to do so. This gave me power, a way to perpetrate and express this secret vow of the victim. I did it for them and I did it for me. Proudly. Happily. Only it really got me in trouble."
" I began to crumble under the weight of punishment, feeling guilty for what mom had to do to cover my tracks," he continued." I could feel my heart sink as I morphed into a victim too watching the women of the house turn into proud guardians of my life. We switched roles and now it was my body and my ego that began to wither."
He was aware that pure power was too illusive, that it had not been expressed in his family for many generations. Instead,they experienced power by intertwining the inferior victim and the arrogant bully. He was stymied, hurt, and unable to find a way forward. No one was there to show him a different way to be in his world. So, as he grew he experienced many obstacles that revolved around this impenetrable pattern.
One day he married and naturally the pattern continued between him and his new wife. It dawned on him that should they have children, this way of being would continue. Deep in thought, right there and right then he realized; I am the way and the way I am. He repeated it quite a few times, taking it in as a new and inspired revelation. "I am the way and the way I am!"
For him it was that simple. In a moment of grace he surrendered to the mystery, saw that he could discipline his mind, and learn to live from his deepest knowing. That is the power of true power. In just a short time he overcame the temptation to dominate others becoming wholly responsible for order and honor. This feeling of power aligned with his Soul from a time and a place that he knew not of, but he felt truly grateful.
"Now grandma and mom were a bit befuddled at my new ways" he continued. "They preferred the old way and kept their distance, skeptical of my new life. So much distance that holidays passed without invitations, just cards filled with updates and a picture or two. And that would have to do."