healing the split

The two found themselves incapable of marrying all the parts of themselves, or better their psyche, into a peaceful whole relationship. Each had their disowned shadows that they were comfortable projecting onto the other and frankly neither had a clue. It came as a shock that the one they called ‘soul mate’ was not at all who they believed them to be. Someone had shared with them, perhaps as a warning, that the first marriage is often like that: After a suitable amount of time the unhealed core wounds of both individuals begin to emerge as an expectation of the other. One hurt against the others diminishing the lovers into warring children.
Some couples were willing to explore the dynamics of their own personality structure, but most preferred to blame, shame, fight or flee, and this went on for thousands and thousands of years!
Out of these years of unresolved conflict and unclaimed polarity that existed in a sea of litigation, a solution slowly emerged. The need for wholeness was so deep, so real that the new humans being born expressed an emergent way to negotiate a peace treaty; a propensity to heal that split in connection with another by healing it within themselves. It developed as an outward expression of fluidity in gender and masculine/feminine expression.
Now this all came about without the sage introspect gleaned from exploring the internal shadows of the feminine and masculine essence. The projected feminine unconscious of the male or more masculine partner is projected upon the more feminine partner and the masculine unconscious of a woman/feminine is projected upon the male or masculine partner. In simple terms, the masculine partner blamed the feminine for being too chaotic and the feminine partner blamed the masculine for being too unfeeling.
The displaced anima and animus retracted from expectations in a relationship, attempting first an inward potential for unity. And it felt so very good to freely express both aspects to whatever degree the individual preferred. This practically promised that a whole, individuated human could meet another whole without the complications of the shadow, right? But alas it did not work as expected. Somehow the original inadequacy stories persisted, and the unmet needs of the child were still projected onto their now partner. Gravitas yet again slipped out of the hands of the great event called marriage, internally or externally, and disappointment perplexed both parties.
Claiming the shadows of polarity within is necessary if we are to survive. Not just the masculine and feminine which holds the promise of wholeness but also of the self and other promising unity. Many strategies have been devised for the experience of unity and wholeness from religions to war to therapy to a life filled with checking off a well-researched bucket list.
Unfortunately, it still alludes us that we are all each other’s mirror, reflecting shadow parts from our personal and collective unconscious. We seem to miss the gifts that mature in our collective psyche when we willingly explore our reflections for this would naturally develop into a capacity for real, not imagined, interdependence; a leaning in towards another with the utmost respect without losing our sense of self.