Grace

Oh goodness! Chloe was telling her partner how hesitant she felt about her mother’s upcoming visit for Easter while sharing a drink on the front porch of their country home. The twilight air was thick with the scent of blooming flowers, their fragrance mingling with the memories of past holidays. She recalled her mother’s last visit, a storm that left no room for respite, much like the oppressive heat that lingers after a summer thunderstorm. During that stay, Chloe began to see her mother’s personality and patterns as clearly as one sees a forest after the fog lifts, revealing every hidden path and thorny bramble.
Everything seemed more evident as her Mom had stayed in their small guest room, leaving no space from her mom day or night! Chloe realized how, as a young girl, she couldn't doubt or question her mother, or her father’s way of being. "As we all do," she shared with her partner, "to one degree or another, I learned to cope with my mother’s extreme rigidity, control, and most alarmingly," she whispered, "her disgust and hate towards all people."
A nervous energy rose, and Chloe stood up, pacing the porch like a restless breeze stirring the leaves. The moonlight filtered through the trees, casting dappled shadows on the porch, mirroring the turmoil in her mind. She walked and reflected, beginning to better understand her own coping mechanisms, some as twisted as ancient vines clinging to a crumbling wall. She stopped, eyes wide, and looked at her partner as he gently shared. He had noticed the impending feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and feeling unwanted rising in Chloe in the days leading up to her mom’s visit. These feelings, like a dark cloud gathering on the horizon, were too big and unbearable to manage for her, and actually, for him too. He knew Chloe had, what had become, predictable thoughts about leaving this earthly life. Her partner was grateful to see that Chloe had enough distance from these urgent escape patterns that any follow-through would never happen, but it would leave Chloe bedridden, consumed with sadness and a deep sense of betrayal.
Chloe leaned against the banister, feeling the cool, rough wood beneath her palms as she reflected on her adult life. Like a clear lake reflecting the stormy sky above she saw that she mirrored her mother’s perceptions about people . Her shoulders slumped forward as she realized she had inherited her mother’s view that all people are bad. A lifetime of living with crippling social anxiety and a string of failed relationships weighed on her like heavy stones. To her shock, Chloe saw that she herself communicated much like her mom and, frankly, began to see how similar she was to her. Chloe turned toward her partner, needing to emphasize that she also loved her mother for her wisdom, helpful advice, and great sense of humor. She was clearly deliberating about her ability to grow out of her inherited ways of being while maintaining a relationship with her mom.
Chloe sat back down. They both sat quietly for a moment, sipping their drinks and appreciating the vast night sky. The stars twinkled like distant hopes, each one a reminder of endless possibilities. She looked at her partner and wisely said, “I love mom with all her limitations. I pray that I still belong even as I outgrow these ways of being, and I take her into my heart, just as she is.” It was a true declaration that promised the space Chloe needed to individuate and love without rebelling, withdrawing, or excluding her mother. It was quite a night, and she began to see that the space and nature around her reflecting her newfound inner order. The line of trees created an innocent boundary between the meadow and the woods. The garden, bursting with all kinds of flowers and shrubs, lived in peace with one another. The tops of the trees reached for the sky, and the endless sky took them in.
Chloe breathed in and out, deeply and slowly, as if setting this new thought, these new perceptions, into the depths of her body. There was nothing left to say, so the two sat together, touched by the grace of the natural world and feeling that upward pull of healing and higher consciousness.