Adam sat in the driver's seat of his car staring out the front window at the lake in front of him. The lake before him mirrored the frozen stillness of his despair, its surface a deceptive calm hiding depths as turbulent as his own psyche. His entire life felt like it had been run by a demon that he believed lived in his spine and his soul. This entity, as he called it, was tenacious and equally vicious as it berated his very being nonstop, all day, and every day for four very long and difficult decades. This entity and its behaviors had ruined all his relationships, his physical and mental health, his happiness, and caused several mental breakdowns, including the one he was presently experiencing. He believed, through and through, that he was possessed.

He gazed at the water with glazed eyes, empty mind, and numb body as he considered driving directly into the lake to end the relentless struggle and pain. He was, in truth, so frozen that he could not even hold the steering wheel. Instead, from somewhere very deep within his inner body a teeny, tiny voice exclaimed "no!" And then, "NO!" It was as if a long-dormant seed of self-preservation had suddenly sprouted, pushing through the dense soil of his despair with surprising vigor.

In truth, Adam was a gentle soul riddled with a deeply exiled shame that he embodied from a father who made sure that he knew how disappointing he was. How Adam, his only son, could never measure up to his standards as the father he was meant to be and the son he was meant to have. That shame became the young boy's identity as he gave it deep meaning within his measly sense of self. This became his relational trauma with self and others and caused so much firefighting havoc, that in retrospect, it was amazing that Adam still lives.

In his adult years, Adam had grown to enjoy a pleasant relationship with his father, and this confused him further. The irony wasn't lost on Adam - that the man who had planted the seeds of his self-hatred was now tending to a garden of reconciliation. Yet, the roots of shame ran deep, nourished by years of internalized criticism and disgust. He could appreciate his own father's trauma and dilemmas, but what Adam could not understand, and what drove him to desperation, was that his attachment system, nervous system, heart, and body were in concert with each other and habituated to expect and receive the familiar shaming. He shamed himself and then hated himself for that too. This encoding of a distorted chemical reality was intolerable and unconscious, so his mind could only identify it as a deep disturbance called an entity, like a child looking under the bed for a monster.

On this day however, after hearing that 'no,' Adam realized that he needed more help.  Epiphanies, Adam mused, had a cruel sense of timing – arriving just when one foot was already off the cliff's edge. But perhaps that's when we're most ready to hear them. He turned the key, started the car, and slowly, as if in slow motion, drove away from the lake.

Adam attended weekly meetings with his therapist from his car as it had become a place of safety as much as it was a potential means to flee. He discovered the entity was not an entity after all and as he began to unmerge from the core emotion of shame, neutrally observing it with a rare softness, he began to see and appreciate how intolerable it had been for him as a child. Unraveling years of emotional knots proved to be a Gordian task, but Adam approached it with the patience of a man who'd glimpsed the value of his own life. He knew, just like all of us, that he came to life, to his family, to be loved, and in the absence of this care, he lost connection with his purity and innocence.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of his former self, Adam emerged not unscathed, but beautifully scarred – each mark a testament to his resilience and growth. He now lives with a vitality that only love and forgiveness can provide. His demon likes to visit less and less, but when that happens, he can relate to it from compassion and skill as he had learned how to depotentiate the harsh emotions with ones that he favored. He could even look back at all the broken bridges in his life and love himself the same. Adam's recovery was nothing short of remarkable, and his life began to reflect this transformation in ways that he had only dreamed of.

In the Northern seas, there lies a large and isolated island, a place where the inhabitants dive deep into the ocean of love, exploring its depths with as much integrity as they can muster. All are in harmony, like synchronized swimmers in a vast, endless sea, digging deep to unearth the pearls of unconditional care. Yet, the waters of romantic love are treacherous, filled with hidden reefs and stormy skies.
Akamu was a forty-something sailor adrift in the sea of life, never having anchored in the harbor of marriage. His pattern was to feel trapped, like a ship caught in a whirlpool, and sail away whenever he felt the pressure of commitment. He was fortunate enough to find Akamai, a lighthouse in his stormy seas, who allowed his momentary departures to seek refuge with other women for a night or two. Predictably, he would return to her shores, refreshed and with no memory of the tempests that had driven him away. However, after more than a year of this, they both cared enough to chart a course through the troubled waters of his behavior and her boundless patience.
Akamai, a seasoned navigator of love, had two children from a previous marriage, and her heart had expanded like a vast ocean, capable of holding anything. She did not want to be the anchor that caused him to feel pressure, yet she was secure enough to voice her needs. Akamu’s pattern became as clear as a starry night sky: whenever he felt close to a woman, he would interpret her needs as a threatening storm, feel inadequate, shut down emotionally, and sail away. With his Akamai, he would drift away for just the weekend, but in the past, he had vanished into the horizon without a word, leaving no trace behind.
He innocently believed he needed a new navigational chart to steer through the seas of pressure and threat. But something he had never, ever done was to actually feel the weight of his inadequacy. With Akamai’s guidance, he felt the tension in his chest like a storm cloud surrounded by the clear blue sky of space. Immediately, he was swept into a current of memories, being chastised and punished for his inability to meet his parents' expectations, things he simply could not do. Inadequacy was a maelstrom of frustration and failure, and he allowed himself to feel, transcend, and integrate these emotions.
Akamai thought him quite brave to sail these uncharted waters so easily, and her love grew for his being so real and vulnerable. This was entirely new for him, but he cared enough to stay with his experience. As a result, he felt even more connected with both himself and his Akamai. Akamu settled more peacefully, his heart expanding like a calm sea under a clear sky.
Akamai also realized that she was not guilty of anything other than sharing herself, and dear Akamu told her so. She longed to stay secure and supported in her love relationship. Beautifully, her dream came true, and so did his.