black sheep

Her Mamaw and Papaw could not see her for who she was when growing up, or even now, thirty-four years later. Both parents had an uncanny knack for pinpointing the faults they saw in her as not fitting in. And all those ‘faults’ were the very things that made her unique and special. In addition, the things that the little cowgirl cared about, like a kitten or a doll, would mysteriously disappear. Sometimes she would not receive presents at Christmas, her parents explaining how she had been a very bad girl that year.
Despite how much the girl could identify the illegitimacy of her parent’s behavior, she felt guilty for letting them down and responsible for hurting them. She also felt a chronic anxiousness made up of anger, sadness, powerlessness, and loss. She hated speaking with her Mamaw in particular, often not answering the phone when she called. She knew that this was a big step, but she also realized that her parents were not going to be around forever. It was still scary to imagine what her Mamaw would say to shatter her fragile world.
The cowgirl still gave her parents the power to destroy her. That’s first, and second, she felt guilty, and third her hips sank under this weight rendering her immobile and silent. She was struck and stuck and barely keeping her head above water. Yet, she came to realize that she must honor her parents as they are, keep a healthy distance, and use the life her parents gave her to be true to herself without anger. She did not want to be a rag doll anymore, but a cauldron of love and self-care.
Luckily the cowgirl had help. Her girlfriend saw too and supported her autonomy and agency and authority. She learned to take her parents off the imaginary pedestal and see them as they are too. Human. Conditioned. Stringent. She recognized their dire need for her to fit into a code of behavior that would guarantee belonging to a people and a place that was not hers.
She started to move through the world not as her parents’ broken daughter, but as a composed and talented woman. Her reclamation came with the understanding that her anger was a signal that let her know that she had an unmet need; the need to be seen and celebrated and supported for all that she is. Rather than waiting to receive this from her parents, or even others, she learned how to see, celebrate, and support herself. This perspective and orientation were exactly what she needed to honor her lineage while stepping into a vastly different lifestyle.
She would have liked to receive permission and a blessing to do it differently from her parents, but that would have been impossible. Their blessing would have been for her to be like them. So, she asked the soul of her long gone Auntie Sarah to step forward instead as the cowgirl knew that she was the right one for this message. After all, she was her namesake.
The warmth of love that Auntie Sarah shared from her soul gave cowgirl the freedom to be. Auntie Sarah had a message that expressed how necessary it was for her great niece to do it differently so that the family tree could grow a new limb. She was not an outcast or a black sheep, but a forger of higher consciousness and for that, Auntie was so grateful for it was something she had tried to express. In her time there were too many constraints and who she was became an unbearable and unspoken secret.
Auntie Sarah reiterated that she belonged, and she was different. She could be as she was meant to be now for it is what all children want. And the cowgirl turned city girl received the blessing in every cell of her body, appreciating her special role in her family.