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A real bad ass in the ‘not safe to relax’ department. Get going now, and do not stop. I will protect you from the grip of insecurity in your throat, in your chest. Do not see me, allow me, judge me, or appreciate me because I have an agenda. A hidden agenda. I get you places, big places in the world. Top notch, high paying places that give you safety, right? That is my job.
Only now you don’t feel safe. That cannot be. The maverick, strong, independent thinker, becomes impatient, tense, sleepless and alert. What hides behind the ever-mighty Maverick? Those sneaky beliefs that smack of never enough. Too this and not enough that. Tongue tied and small. Muted. Silenced. Threatened. The holy rule is ‘never speak of this.’ NEVER SPEAK OF THIS. The maverick knows that this is no game. She protects the one who lives in a crisis of honor, shamed by those who do shameful things, impure by those who carry the stench of disgust. Confused and in deep need of security, free of vigilance, especially when she needs to speak. Because that is the job that the Maverick earned her. Speaking is not only her job, but her nemesis. Sharing passion while betraying the holy rule is such a double bind. Frozen breath. Collapsed body. Foggy mind. There is only one way out. She felt the little one protected by the Maverick hiding in plain sight and gleam- beamed her with loving eyes and saw. Allowed her without an agenda. Compassioned her without judgement and most of all, appreciated her just as she is. She relaxed. For a moment. It is a start, and it was enough. And damn, the Maverick spoke and put the silencer in jail.
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Butterfly Blue
The blue, blue butterfly really loved ‘cozy’: Bread making, nest making, decorations, and scents that feel like safety and home. In her young youth she looked about and innocently equated being married as her only way to create this dream, perhaps to a capable, male monarch. This way she could play her warm, fuzzy part and make and admire art all around the world! This, she knew, would feed her Soul. The butterfly had two blue babies and time with her mate, succumbing to his temper, losing herself, while he was in control. She felt trapped in second place, merged in subservience, tolerant of his endless charades and winged patrol. But her second place was not to her monarch; it was in denial of her full adult butterfly self. The child butterfly who wanted a fantasy of dreams had led her life in full flight long enough, and the burdens were now too great. For one day, through her blue butterfly anger she saw that it was easier to be mad at him than herself! She saw her projection and turned inward sensing the anger as a call for a great need. The need for a greater perspective! The need to move beyond her tenaciously persistent and younger dream. Not angry at her male monarch but welcoming of innocent fantasy for a sacred sort of safety. In Blue’s story it is helpful to know that when she was a little one, her Daddy monarch could not show up for her nomad family. She and her Mama lived a life of poverty and wishful thinking, wanting to be higher on the social ladder, cultured and smart. They created a way out from, and a denial of, the nagging lack of warmth or luxury. Her best friends’ parents were married, and they went on big trips together, coming home to share their memories and mementos. How blue longed for a depth of beauty in life. So much that she would absolutely be willing to trade in independence and authenticity for a taste of such richness. She did not leave her mate for as the Monarch experienced blue’s shift, shift so did he! He no longer felt responsible for his wife’s younger parts subservience, and he could relax too, appreciating her soulful love of art. He loved that she could fly with their two blue, blue babies all the way to Italy to admire classical art and architecture. He loved that they would fly back home too and share their adventures with him. The Work: Merging is real in the dance of subservience and dominance, one lending itself to the other in equal doses. This can be played out in extremes in the complex realm of sex, communities, governments, and our own living room. Below the fight for independence and authenticity are layers of unconscious, complex agreements made and kept so to maintain safety and belonging often coupled with a deep need for appreciation. This too plays out in the larger world in ways that render disbelief. In this work, rather than keeping the unconscious agreement fighting in defense, demanding honor, celebration, or appreciation we boldly meet each layer with open curiosity allowing a deeper rest and release. And we may need to visit these layers a hundred times or more. And it would be completely worth it. I have seen this prideful form of demanding in couples for example, where honor is lost in waves of resentment, easier to be angry at the partner than to face our own conditioning. However, in knowing this, do I choose to take a personal interest in releasing layers of unconscious beliefs so I may vibrate with an uncomplicated, pure sense of honor and power? Or do I remain loyal to a mishandled range of contempt or rage? I say, do it for ‘you’ first because that means doing it for all. |
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October 2024
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